I’m having a hard time finding the words here because I’m just drained. I guess just about sums up how I feel now. It’s more than just the lack of sleep as we are still working on the sleep issues; it’s the fatigue that comes with being needed almost constantly. And I do often think about how I would have loved for him to need me this much just over two weeks ago, so I know it’s a blessing in that way. It’s just exhausting. James has started to be himself a bit more in the last two days. He is smiling and laughing more, but he still sticks to me and Joel pretty closely and doesn’t play with Brenna and Evan on his own much. I also wish I could communicate to him that he doesn’t need to follow me up and down the stairs every single time. It’s a lot of work for him for something that is usually just a quick trip for me to grab something. During the day, I think of him as my little shadow, never too far from my side. I almost knocked him over several times making dinner in our tiny kitchen when I would turn around quickly to grab something, and he was right behind me.
At night he still needs one of us to stay in the room until he falls asleep. I couldn’t find Joel anywhere last night when I needed to ask him something, and I found him asleep at the foot of James’ bed. I actually thought that James had slept through the night for the first time last night, but then discovered that he had moved to Brenna’s room at some point and slept next to her bed on the floor. Then they woke up bright and early. :) I thought I’d get a nice private shower if I set my alarm for 6:30am, but I ended up taking one with James sitting on the little potty right outside the curtain. I made it as quick as I could. I think I’ll try for 6:15 tomorrow morning. Naps are even less successful right now. I really didn’t think that sharing rooms would be an issue, but James and Evan are not napping because they spend the whole time talking, even though they don’t speak the same language, and blowing raspberries at each other. I think I may have to separate the kids into 3 different rooms for naps. They need the naps, and I need them to take naps!
But I do need to stress again that things are going very well! It may not sound like it after reading my updates, but these are just small things we’re working on. My biggest hope and prayer right now is for James to get back to himself. We’ve done a couple of things with close family, and I really want them to see the joy that James is. He’s really not as quiet and reserved as he’s acting right now! I think getting out a few times this week has actually helped. As I mentioned in China, he’s not the kind of kid that wants to stay home and relax all day; he giggles in glee every time I strap him into the car seat. So I think we may revise our cocoon plan a bit, and I’m glad I already said that flexibility is key in this process (that way I don’t have to say I was wrong). ;) We are still asking everyone to follow the guidelines about caregiving (no holding, hugging, comforting, or giving food or gifts), but I don’t think we’ll be staying home as much as I originally thought. If he’s up on time, I think we’ll give church a go on Sunday and see what happens. If you see us there, please feel free to stop for a chat with me and Joel, but just give James a smile and a wave.